prismferno: the tenth circle of hell (P) (L)

foreword

this is a spoof canto of dante's inferno, a required book in our seventh grade language arts class. it involves characters from the books we were assigned throughout the year.

the labels

this spoof is geared towards current and former students of the middle school prism program, but anyone who has read dante's inferno, orson scott card's ender's game, geraldine mccaughrean's kite rider, jules verne's around the world in eighty days, the ramayana, and the epic of sundjata will understand most of this.

the canto

In his popular poem, the Inferno, Dante Alighieri writes about nine circles of hell. What he neglected to mention was a tenth circle, where we meet a number of very interesting characters.

CANTO XXXV, CIRCLE 10

"What hath brought us here today?"
Ender said, looking every which way.
"I'm not sure." Haoyou looked perplexed.
He turned and saw Fogg, who seemed vexed.
"You're the smart one." He pointed at Ender.
Ender scowled. "At least I'm the right gender."
Fogg's eyes flashed. "Are you calling me GAY?!"
"SILENCE!" roared Sundjata. "What a rude thing to say!"
"Apologize to Fogg!" Haoyou attacked.
Ender whirled around, armed with a comeback.
"Friends!" said Gandhi cheerf'ly. "Don't show off your might."
Ender stared darkly. "Do you want to fight?"
"Guys, I think we have a problem here."
Rama now spoke, and dissolved Ender's leer.
"We have a problem?" they asked as one.
Rama stared. "They've only begun."
"Look around. Where do you think we are?"
"Hell," said Dante, appearing from afar.
Said Sundjata, "Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Dante," he replied. "Nice to meet you too."
"You're in hell for the great big schism
That hurt all the innocent kids in Prism."
"Schism?!" cried Fogg. "What did I ever do?"
"Your mom," growled Ender gruffly. Gandhi glared at Ender too.
"Yes," continued Dante, as if he'd never been interrupted.
"A long time ago you were all corrupted.
You all signed a charter, and you all agreed
To follow out everything the charter decreed.
Go into books, find famous authors
Talk to some agents, get publishing offers.
Once in book form, as a sham
You tortured students in the Prism program.
For instance, look at one of their questions:
'Explain one moral dilemma in Ender's Game.'"
All the characters turned to stare
Ender, already emo, began to glare.
"Aiight," said Dante. "I should go."
"You won't like hell. Time passes slow."
"Ackk," said Rama. "Grr," said Haoyou.
And thus the characters continued to argue and argue and argue. Forever.

ender vs. sundjata (P) (L)

foreword

in seventh grade language arts, we read ender's game by orson scott card and the epic of sundjata, an oral tradition from mali, africa. the class was assigned an essay comparing and contrasting the two protagonists. this spoof essay, written in collaboration with one of my classmates, is the result of many afternoons' work.

the labels

this is really geared towards current and former Prism students (you know who you are), but anyone who has read ender's game and the epic of sundjata will understand it.

the essay

Sarahs 2.33 and 3

Ms. Benzinger

LA/SS, Per. 1/2

6 March 2009

Ender/Sundjata Compare Contrast Essay

In a book, called Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card, in which Ender is a boy, Ender goes to Battle School, and in an epic from somewhere around Africa, there is another boy; its Sundjata, who is African, and Ender is Greek. Both boys are very similar, but they are at the same time both boys are very polar opposites. Ender goes to Battle School. In Battle School, he meets other intelligently smart kids, which isn't saying much because Ender's pretty dumb. Ender is like some kind of genius, and I believe Battle School's pressures don't have a very good positive impact on him, and stuff. Also, Ender ends up fighting the buggers, they are aliens who he didn't want to cruelly kill. However, the buggers were killed by Ender, and Ender becomes very sad; I think this shows that killing buggers, this had a negative impact on him. Before the buggers were killed by him, Ender was forced by the leaders of Battle School to unhappily undergo strenuous training to make him more staturesque. Sundjata is a guy, who lives with his mom, and he has to take over his legacy, as king, which was taken from him by someone else. Someone else also known as his brother whose mom (his stepmom (because his real mom is a buffalo (not really but still (anyway the third his means Sundjata (and by the way his brother is Dankaran (Dankaran is a loser)))))). The reader should be able to see by now that Sundjata has to quickly prove himself and gain back more power. Like the stuff his relative took from him (once again his relative is Dankaran (his stepbrother (or half brother))). I think Ender and Sundjata are both given very stressful lives by the people around him. Ender is met by a bunch of kids, like Bean and Petra and Bonzo. Bonzo is killed by Ender, though, but Bonzo hated Ender, so it was fine for Ender to kill him, because Bonzo was mean, anyway, so nobody really cared. Sundjata also has a sidekick dude, but as you can tell when he's captured, the sidekick is pretty bad, not like Sundjata's one who I think is really good, only he dies and anyway, Batman and Robin sounds cooler than Ender and Bean, right? Don't you think so? I think so, and I couldn't care less what the reader thinks, the reader could be Mr. Black! The reader should know that Ender and Sundjata both have some really useless and incompetent sidekicks. However, Ender's name starts with an "E". Unlike in Ender's name, "S" is the first letter of Sundjata's name.

I think Ender has some sidekicks who are really incompetent and who limit him. I think this because Bean has a dumb name and isn't gonna be all like OMG I'm so amazing and gonna save you, Ender because who wants to be saved by a kid with a legume-related moniker? On page 133, "Bean says" (133). This shows that Bean's name is Bean. And this shows that Ender isn't a real good owner-of-sidekick for Bean. Because analyzing it you can see that Bean never says anything, so he seems like he's quiet. And that's why I think Ender has some incompetent sidekicks and also he needs a better sidekick because Bean limits him, can't you see how if he had a good sidekick (like Petra didn't even remember his birthday, I mean what kind of a sidekick does that?!) then he wouldn't be limited? I believe Sundjata has some really incompetent sidekicks, too, who die, a lot. Balla Faseke is incompetent because he gets kidnapped. This shows that Balla Faseke gets kidnapped. This shows also that Balla Faseke was incompetent. Balla Faseke would rather play the xylophone than save Sundjata. Not that he WOULD save Sundjata. Instead Sundjata gets a buffalo companion. But the buffalo lady who also is his mom died. And that showed that she died a lot and is incompetent because dead sidekicks aren't as helpful, as alive ones.

"E" is the first letter of Ender's name. Sundjata's name starts with an "S". The concrete detail to support that Ender's name starts with an E is on page 4 "Ender sat" (4). This shows that Ender's name starts with an E. Also the concrete detail to support that Sundjatas name started with a S is "Sundjata stood." That showed that Sundjata's name started with an S. There was some contriversy over what Sundjata's name was spelled like, because some things said Sundiata but can't you see how it starts with an S either way? I think S is a cool letter. I think E isn't as cool and I'm not biased. Because if I was biased I might write a current event where the bias section said "the author likes the Hajj" or "the author is against car crashes". But I don't so this shows I'm not biased. Don't you think I'm not biased?

In conclusion, as the reader should be able to clearly see, Ender's name is really stupid because it starts with an "E". I think Sundjata's name is way better, can't you see how it starts with an "S" and not an "E"? "S" is a really cool letter because it starts names like "Sarah 3 Hg" and "Sarah Yhrx 2.33 Ribship." So Sundjata is a lot better than Ender because Sunjata's name is cooler. Also, the sidekicks are really bad. The sidekicks weren't needed by Sundjata at all because they messed a lot of stuff up for Sundjata. The sidekicks of Ender aren't any better or anything either. Neither Ender or Sundjata are real though, so their names and sidekicks are fake, because they obviously aren't like real. This is insignificant because even though they don't exist, Ender and Sundjata are still the subjects of a bunch of essays. What if Ender was real? Would we care more? I doubt it. You know, I think Sundjata is pretty insignificant too. If nobody wrote an essay on Sundjata, he wouldn't be cared about by you or any reader. Epics supposedly have a positive effect on a culture, but I think you or anyone should realize that if the sidekicks are incompetent (even Batman and Robin are better than Petra!) and the names are the only kind of good things about the character, the epic is pretty pointless. I don't think no 13-year-old cares about a several-thousand-year-old epic. Except for if their name starts with "S" because I think "S" is a cool letter. And obviously, Ender is a weird name. So Ender has a dumb name and Sundjata has a really bad sidekick. The end. PS, "E" is also a pretty cool letter cuz it starts words like "Elephant" and "Emo." Ender is emo, did you notice? -.- I mean, he's really weird like that. Except "S" starts the word "Start." But "E" starts the word "End." But "Start" is longer. Plus it sounds more like "Sarah." The real end. PSS, Mrs. Benzinger is a great teacher. She's very generous with the points, you know. I think she should give this essay a lot of points, because she's such a kind, generous person. Have a nice day! The end. For real. I mean it. XD

GO BRONCOS

lessons learned from musical experience (M)

These are but a few of the most important things I have learned over the years. I welcome any additions if you feel there is something I have missed.

1) F# major is a hazard to the environment.
Not only does the key signature use more ink to print than say, F major, but the key signature is also bigger, and thus takes up more of the staff, forcing the music down an inch or so per line. This wastes paper. We try to use recycled paper, then we go print music in F# major? Such hypocrites we are. NB Not only does this apply to F# major, but to any key other than C, F, Bb, G, or D.

2) Composers are lazy.
Repeat signs and Da Capos are a way of making the piece longer without bothering to write more content. Composers who get tired of writing new sections for the piece they are currently working on just add a few repeats, D.C.s and D.S. al codas, and poofbang you've got yourself a performance-length piece!

3) French horns hate being called French horns.
If you ever meet a serious French horn player, you'd BETTER defer to them as a "Horn-in-F" player or they'll smack you with all 40 feet of tubing. To keep things short you can also call them "horneneff."

4) Wind quintets happened because the French horns, excuse me "horneneffs," wanted to hang with the cool people.
aka the woodwinds. So the saxes got kicked off the list in favor of the horneneffs, which is why a typical wind quintet has flute, clarinet, oboe, bassoon, and horneneff.

5) The bass players were too cool for the strings, so they took off for jazz ensembles and left the string quartets to their own devices.
When left to their own devices, string players' solutions are almost always "add a violin." Hence the setup of today's string quartets.

6) Double sharps are simply a way for the composer to change a note's pitch without rewriting the whole measure.
They got tired of rewriting everything for one puny note, so they decided to invent a handy-dandy X and use that to alter pitches.

7) Cadenzas should be played expressively at first, but go faster as you run out of air. The effect is good.
Usually a huge piano chord will be played at the end of a cadenza, and that's a good place to take a breath.

8) Pieces with names like "Sonata no. (insert number here)" or "Melodie from (insert Italian or French word here), Opus (insert ridiculously high number here)"always end with a ridiculously high note at pianissismo, which is to be held for a ridiculously long time.

9) Any time you see a new Italian word, if in doubt it means "slow down."
There are about 372946171 ways to say "slow down" in Italian. (They talk fast.)

10) Mordents are different from trills. 'nuffsed.

11) Being a trumpet or trombone player is a state of mind.
One that always seems to say, "I'm better than you."