prismferno: the tenth circle of hell (P) (L)

foreword

this is a spoof canto of dante's inferno, a required book in our seventh grade language arts class. it involves characters from the books we were assigned throughout the year.

the labels

this spoof is geared towards current and former students of the middle school prism program, but anyone who has read dante's inferno, orson scott card's ender's game, geraldine mccaughrean's kite rider, jules verne's around the world in eighty days, the ramayana, and the epic of sundjata will understand most of this.

the canto

In his popular poem, the Inferno, Dante Alighieri writes about nine circles of hell. What he neglected to mention was a tenth circle, where we meet a number of very interesting characters.

CANTO XXXV, CIRCLE 10

"What hath brought us here today?"
Ender said, looking every which way.
"I'm not sure." Haoyou looked perplexed.
He turned and saw Fogg, who seemed vexed.
"You're the smart one." He pointed at Ender.
Ender scowled. "At least I'm the right gender."
Fogg's eyes flashed. "Are you calling me GAY?!"
"SILENCE!" roared Sundjata. "What a rude thing to say!"
"Apologize to Fogg!" Haoyou attacked.
Ender whirled around, armed with a comeback.
"Friends!" said Gandhi cheerf'ly. "Don't show off your might."
Ender stared darkly. "Do you want to fight?"
"Guys, I think we have a problem here."
Rama now spoke, and dissolved Ender's leer.
"We have a problem?" they asked as one.
Rama stared. "They've only begun."
"Look around. Where do you think we are?"
"Hell," said Dante, appearing from afar.
Said Sundjata, "Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Dante," he replied. "Nice to meet you too."
"You're in hell for the great big schism
That hurt all the innocent kids in Prism."
"Schism?!" cried Fogg. "What did I ever do?"
"Your mom," growled Ender gruffly. Gandhi glared at Ender too.
"Yes," continued Dante, as if he'd never been interrupted.
"A long time ago you were all corrupted.
You all signed a charter, and you all agreed
To follow out everything the charter decreed.
Go into books, find famous authors
Talk to some agents, get publishing offers.
Once in book form, as a sham
You tortured students in the Prism program.
For instance, look at one of their questions:
'Explain one moral dilemma in Ender's Game.'"
All the characters turned to stare
Ender, already emo, began to glare.
"Aiight," said Dante. "I should go."
"You won't like hell. Time passes slow."
"Ackk," said Rama. "Grr," said Haoyou.
And thus the characters continued to argue and argue and argue. Forever.